Cleaning the Room

i am one

with this place;

i am its part,

i make it whole.

if i make my bed,

and sweep the floor,

i stand alone

dirty.

if the room was clean,

i would become unclean.

and though i pray

and kneel at night

there is no god here.

for if he was,

i would feel unholy.

and all i want,

is nothing to change.

if the ceiling rotted and

my skin gave away,

and god watched with

concern,

i would let it stay that way.

because i would never know

what it means to be sad

until i found joy,

and i would never know grief

until i held your hands.

and if god split me apart

and let me fill this room

i only wish, he wouldn't

show me you.

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-samjam yesterday my room was messy and disorganized and unclean, and I was bothered but I couldn't bring myself to clean it. so I just, laid down in the middle of the mess. I felt like shit so I watched reels to make sure I didn't feel like I existed at all. This inertia prompted the poem.

I sent it to my friend sankjam for her thoughts (and upon whose recommendation I now post this). she asked a bunch of questions, which I feel is relevant to answer here as well. 

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Sank: Last two stanzas, I understood... I wasn't too sure how the entire poem tied together, if i have to be rlly honest

Sam: see first parts I'm trying to foreshadow the last two. All I know is sadness or disorder right, and i feel like I'm a part of it. like it's my identity. So if I make things around me clean, it would make me acutely aware of how unclean I am.

Sank: OHHHH. Whats up w the god stuff tho?

Sam: If god in his pure form came, I'd feel very unpure in comparison. And I don't want to change anything, because as long as I am in denial/unaware of whatever is wrong, I get to be comfortable.

Sank: So, Denial stage makes you feel unalive?

Sam: sort of. More so numb. Basically, don't ask me to clean my room and process my emotions, I just want to lie on my bed and rot.

Sank: Okay relate. V relatable.

xD if you read this far, text me a cooliosis. 

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Toodles!

p.s. my room is clean now so hehe.