You worry about finding romance
Yet when you find it,
you worry if they're the right person.
You worry about your mother,
And if you will ever be able to
Give her the life you want to give her.
You worry you will hurt everyone you
Love, and that love will always hurt you.
You feel not clever enough, then you
Ask if kindness is greater than utility.
You weigh the value of each principle
On your palms, hopelessly swimming
In biases you can see- clear as water;
Oh, they only drown you.
The limit of your senses is omniscient
Hanging overhead like a cartoon cloud-
"I cannot live like this. I need to know"
All the time and Everything. Completely.
To sit on top of the pyramid of reality,
and devour the suffering of awareness.
I say, hush,
Close your eyes.
Like the dog that sleeps
Under cracks, of sunlight through trees
Soaking in the golden mosaic
Drowsily smiling in the breath of leaves.
Close your eyes
As that bird does while it
Thrills and tires, concentrating
On its throat alone, letting the world
be encapsulated by its music.
Free your arms as waters and springs
Stretch as far as pine;
Fall with ease as mangroves do
There is but plenty time.
You worry about work and money,
Of the delusion of freedom
in a capitalist system,
You fuss about Marx and Beauvoir-
"Am I still a feminist if I shave my legs?"
You worry that you are pretentious
but you never want to bury the soul;
If it is artistic sensitivity, or illness- God only knows. ---
Shall I be stone-cold today?
Or do I call you and cry
till my windpipes spill
each gross depraved perversion,
every immoral, irrational desire-
all the hatred and fear, hiding within-
Gosh, I worry you can see- Right through me?
but if I could be honest,
I feel better when you do.
So I will close my eyes
just as you say they do-
I'll pet the dog and start
A voice note for the bird;
If I am water, I will let myself flow
If I am pine, I will give myself to the squirrel;
And if there truly is time, I only wish to forget it.
Lastly, when I worry,
You will talk of nature,
And I will agree with mine.
-samjam (26/03/2024) I can't read this poem without feeling everything. I couldn't not write it either. Noting down some things here before I forget- (to my friends that read this part, i love you i cri)
You and I
The poem sort of goes back and forth with a 'You' and 'i'- both being myself. My intention was to make this Fight Club-esque and I'm very happy with that. Apart from being a personal rant, I also include what I think my close friends fear most. I'm a pandering poet, sue me. Fears Having this blog is like scanning my diary and pasting it onto the internet. Might as well go all the way with explaining it then. It's obvious I struggle with romantic relationships, and the paranoia of hurting my loved ones. I know the latter is inevitable and the former requires trying to overcome. I know but I forget. There is so much shame involved in being honest with these things. So much pressure to pretend that all your friendships are perfect and healthy and you always have fun. I don't. I'm scared I don't work hard enough, that I could be more intelligent, less ignorant. Then I'm scared I don't have enough fun, I should let myself go. Then spiral into the fear of going jobless, homeless, broke and then broken. Sometimes I fear I'm broken. Then I realize that's not a thing. I need someone to tell me "it's okay" sometimes. My poetry does that for me. And if you need that too- I will be that for you. It's gonna be okay. You're doing great. I'm happy you're alive (and reading my blog, of all things) You don't have to know everything, you don't have to exhaust yourself to feel worthy of love. There is time to learn. Let yourself live. 🫂 (Human) Nature I also talk a lot about nature in this because I feel solace in the awareness of it. My daily serotonin comes from watching smiley sleepy dogs. Flying birds. Big green trees. Lakes, stones, monkeys. I feel insignificant (in a nice way!!) when I forget the human part of the world. But nature also refers to human nature. Of making mistakes and being imperfect. It's a part of the world, just as much as every other beautiful thing. Hence I say- You will talk of nature (flora and fauna)
And I will agree with mine (my nature of being human) Value of Principles I don't want to justify my wrongdoings nor do I believe pretty words absolve them. But I see no point in pretending like they don't exist. Often I take a moral high ground- deluding myself that people can be good or bad- actions are right or wrong. I am aware of my biases yet I drown in them. The uncertainty of it all scares me. (The swimming metaphor is also a ref to that bojack painting. if you know, you know) Instead of trying to act as the best person possible; and vilifying myself when I deviate- now, I try to constantly re-evaluate my principles and remind myself to let go of absolutes. The best tool I have right now, for living, is empathy. For myself and others. Closing Comments The past few days have been hard in many ways. I feel better now that I've written this, and hopefully even more when I share it. I'm proud of you, Samyuktha. I love you. (if this is cheesy, boo hoo, my page, my rules) Thank you for being here, Toodles!